Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Thabeet Lightning


It's draft time, and that means it's time for endless speculation. Our thoughts turn to the future directly after the season ends and the present is settled. Team needs, mock drafts, player comparisons. I love it. I try to be nonpartisan at draft time, but it isn't always easy. Although I am not from Oklahoma or Seattle (we feel for you, Seattleites), I love the Thunder. But then again, who doesn't? They are champions of FD. They have universal appeal. They can be revolutionary. And that is why they cannot draft Hasheem Thabeet.

Clearly, OKC has a bright future. They have a young core based around the offensive genius of Kevin Durant, caught somewhere between savant and assassin. Jeff Green is a perfect complement to Durant's explosive ability. He can guard all positions, and is as skilled on the perimeter as he is posting up. That doesn't mean he can be that idiomatic franchise player, but paired with someone like Durant, Green becomes more than he is. Russell Westbrook, the most volatile of the three, mans the point. He is capable of all things at all times. In fact, they all are. They are an organic expression of athleticism and apositionality, and they represent change that is distant from D'Antoni's exiled plotting.

And while he could be a great player, Hasheem Thabeet counteracts the Thunder's meaning. He will be a defensive force, that cannot be denied. He will learn how to rotate efficiently, he will continue to improve his footwork, and he will be able to disrupt any opposing offense. In time. And I even think his offense will come around. After all, Thabeet has only played basketball for a few years. If he wants to be great, and he goes to the right place and gets the right instruction, he will be. Oklahoma City could even be that place.

But no, any further pieces the Thunder acquire need to fit into their apositional vision. Drafting Thabeet rejects this framework and entrenches convention. Unlike D'Antoni's teams, this model cannot be emulated or moved. Their athleticism and versatility, combined with the freedom of Brooks' system, makes them unique and eminently interesting. Nevertheless, there is a certain kindred spirit underlying this experimentation in Oklahoma, and embracing Thabeet is tantamount to giving up on it. In the short-term, he is a prototypical center who is only capable of accomplishing the tasks of his position. A developing team with such enormous creative potential needs players who expand its options, not limit them.

Both Ricky Rubio and James Harden can add to this team without fundamentally altering it. Rubio can't shake the Nash comparisons, and for good reason. His type of playmaking can be an orienting force, one that would catalyze the athletic gifts of his teammates. In this system, his poor shooting wouldn't even matter. Harden would become another cog in the machine, adding excellent midrange shooting and a tremendous passing ability. He practically ran the Arizona State offense and compiled great pace-adjusted assist totals, which allows Russell Westbrook more freedom to develop on or off the ball. Rubio will probably be off the board at the third pick. And the Thunder will have options. DeMar DeRozan, Tyreke Evans, and yes, Thabeet, will be available. Resist temptation, draft James Harden.

Hasheem Thabeet will be a good NBA player, but the Thunder shouldn't draft him. We need Oklahoma City to become what they were meant to be. And the only way they can move forward is without the big man from Connecticut.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Meet Your Takers

Blake Griffin: The Clippers? THE CLIPPERS? You have got to be freaking kidding me! I mean, at least the Grizzlies have O.J. Mayo. I'm doomed.

[Phone rings]

Who could that be?

Hello?


Zach Randolph: Hello? Is this Blake Griffin?

Blake Griffin: Yes, this is he.

Zach Randolph: Hey Blake, it's me, Zachary Randolph. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were feeling. Big night for you, sir.

Blake Griffin: Yeah, I guess. Can you tell me a bit about the Clippers?

Zach Randolph: Oh, Blake. The Clippers are quite splendid. You are going to love it here.

Blake Griffin: Really? I, uh, wasn't expecting you to say that.

Zach Randolph
: Nah, we just have a bad reputation. It's great. Really great.

Blake Griffin
: How are the other guys on the team?

Zach Randolph: They're awesome. Chris Kaman is my bud. He's hilarious. And this one time, me and Baron stayed up until 10 PM playing Mario. 10 PM! And Marcus Camby is always doing jumping jacks. Oh, and Eric Gordon. He's a peach.

Blake Griffin: And Coach Dunleavy?

Zach Randolph: Coach Dunleavy is the best person I've ever known. He's kind, snuggly, and the best tactician this side of Napoleon.

Blake Griffin: Wow, that sounds great. I'm excited. I can't wait to meet you guys.

Zach Randolph
: And we can't wait to meet you.

Blake Griffin
: Thanks, Zach. Take care.

Zach Randolph: Take care, bud.

[Hangs up the phone]

Blake Griffin: Wow, I was not expecting the conversation to go like that. Maybe it's not so bad after all.

Somewhere in California...


Mike Dunleavy: *releases Randolph from chokehold* Good job, Zach.

Zach Randolph: YO COACH WHAT WAS THAT YOU CANT TREAT ME LIKE THAT IM YO FRANCHISE IM YO FRANCHISE THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP WEAK IM GULLY IM A GROWN MAN YOU CANT TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

Mike Dunleavy: *elbows Randolph in the chest* Shut up, punk.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Totally Awesome NBA Draft Lottery Preview!


It's time for the NBA Draft Lottery again, folks. That means hope for some and heartbreak for others. And there is glory for the strong.

But you might not know what to expect. It is a confusing night. Well, I will tell you what to think. Here is a rundown of the highs and lows of this epic event.

TEAM THAT I WANT TO GET THE FIRST PICK: Sacramento Kings
This is for you, Ziller. Also, presuming that Shock & Hawes are firmly entrenched already, it is unlikely that Blake Griffin is selected by the Kings. Ricky Rubio must come to Sacramento. He seems like the perfect complement to Kevin Martin in the backcourt, and his playmaking will set up Thompson and Hawes with easy shots. Plus, no one wants to see Beno Udrih start. Unless you are Beno Udrih.

ANOTHER TEAM THAT WOULD BE COOL WITH ME IF THEY GOT THE FIRST PICK: Oklahoma City Thunder
Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin. Dominance. I wish Patrick Patterson was still in the draft. He would be perfect for OKC.

TEAM THAT SHOULD NOT GET THE FIRST PICK: Los Angeles Clippers
Sorry, Arnovitz and ClipperSteve. I can't. I just can't.

TEAM WITH A COOL LOTTERY REPRESENTATIVE: Charlotte Bobcats
D.J. Augustin is representing the Bobcats. He had a great rookie season, considering the draft pick was canned with Brook Lopez still on the board. Dude offered a 14.95 PER this season. Larry Brown used him effectively, and I like that he is getting the credit he deserves.

TEAM WITH AN UNCOOL REPRESENTATIVE: Minnesota Timberwolves
I have already expressed my distaste for Kevin Love. Why not send Al Jefferson? He's the franchise player, he's actually good, and he isn't just a gimmick who can rebound. Maybe they want him to throw outlet passes with the ping pong balls. Or send Craig Smith. Why? Because Craig Smith is awesome, that's why.

TEAM THAT I AM AMBIVALENT ABOUT: Milwaukee Bucks
I've been to Milwaukee. It's nice. Quiet, but nice. I wish them no harm.

PRELIMINARY DRAFT ANALYSIS

PLAYER THAT I LIKE AROUND THE FIFTH PICK: James Harden
Harden probably won't be a star, but he is a great shooter and facilitator. He propelled the Arizona State offense as a shooting guard, and would be a solid option next to a non-traditional point guard because of his excellent passing. He would be a great fit in OKC, provided they do not grab a top pick.

PLAYER THAT I LOVE AT THE END OF THE LOTTERY: Jeff Teague
Jeff Teague is the future. He can create his own shot and is terrific off the dribble. He is super athletic. He has a scorer's mentality. He can learn to be a point guard. This is a guy you want on your team. Phoenix, pray that he falls to you.

PLAYER I DO NOT LIKE: Hasheem Thabeet
I think he will be a terrific defender, but I am concerned about his offensive development. If he continues to progress at his current rate, then I will be wrong. That said, I do not want to be the team with the third pick.

PLAYER I WANT TO GO TO THE RAPTORS: Demar DeRozan
The Raptors would be great with an athletic wing player. Demar DeRozan needs time to develop, but his play in the NCAA Tournament was very encouraging. Playing with Jose Calderon, a hyper-controlled point guard, could give DeRozan significant usage next season. He would be a great piece paired with Chris Bosh over the long-term.

PLAYER I WANT TO GO TO THE WIZARDS: Tyreke Evans
Tyreke Evans and Gilbert Arenas. Need I say more?

I hope this was enlightening. I have a gift for completely arbitrary draft analysis.

(H/T DraftExpress for everything. If you aren't reading them, start now. Also, FanHouse for the image)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Renaming Glen Davis

It has to stop. It has to stop now. Glen Davis can no longer be called Big Baby.

I don't care how it started. I don't care if his mother calls him that. I don't care if he likes it. I don't care.

But I do care about changing it.

The nickname is a media menace. I don't know if you read, but I do. I read many newspapers and weblogs and Twitters. And much like some Orlando Magic fans, I find myself maddened by the constant cliches and jokes. Big Baby fosters horrible journalism. Seriously, this stuff is worse than Plaschke, although there are many people who are actually doing good things with it. As for the bad, I do not have a specific example, but I will write one that I am sure has appeared in many, many places. Are you ready?

Last night, Glen Davis was no longer a Big Baby. Last night, Glen Davis became a man.

BOOM! See what I did there? Totally unexpected.

It doesn't even describe him. Whatever he has become in these playoffs--and yes, he has changed--he is no longer Big Baby. He is a 17 foot jump shot. Who pushes kids.

I am not clever enough to create an appropriate nickname. That's why I leave it up to you, internets. Make a new nickname to save us from this scourge. Please take up this mantle. I can't do it alone.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Craig Sager Wreaks Havoc

Craig Sager: Rejected. Constantly made fun of by players and fans. All because of my clothes. I like my clothes.

My mother and teachers always told me to express myself, but I have trouble verbally organizing my thoughts. Sure, I can ask Rick Adelman a few banal questions. But can I tell my wife the myriad reasons I enjoy key lime pie? No. I tried to do it through the written word, but I always end up sounding like a bastardized Rousseau. I tried doing it through song. I tried doing through art. I even tried doing it through dance. Bad idea.

But then I found my one true purpose. The only way to channel my emotions: fashion.

My suits are the window to my soul. They help me cope with the world and the difficult things that happen every day. But other people don't understand. They ridicule me.

And Kevin Garnett. Oooooooooooh, don't get me started on Kevin Garnett!



Well, I'm tired of it.

Since I cannot express my thoughts through conventional means, I have spent my hours in silence trying to develop superpowers. And I have. Oh, I have.

Mind control.

And I will now deploy it. SPEAK!

Aaron Brooks: I thought we played a great game. It was tough without Yao, but we did it.

Craig Sager: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE WORLD IS MINE!

(H/T Skeets for the Brooks image)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Dwight Howard Realizes the Truth

Saturday night, after the Boston Celtics have just defeated the Chicago Bulls

Dwight Howard
: I have to fight with Perkins for 7 games? Crap. At least they have no shot at beating us this season. I mean, we have you, Jameer.

Jameer Nelson: Bro, I'm injured.

Dwight Howard: What? When did this happen?

Jameer Nelson: Like four months ago. I fell on my shoulder.

Dwight Howard: Dude, I thought you just got lost after we went camping at Gortat's llama ranch.

Jameer Nelson: No, that was Anthony Johnson.

Dwight Howard: Well, that's not a problem. We still have Kyle Lowry to man the point.

Jameer Nelson: No, Houston got Kyle Lowry. We traded a first-round pick for Rafer Alston.

Dwight Howard: NO. NO WE DID NOT.

Jameer Nelson: You've been playing with him for three months. What did you think was happening?

Dwight Howard: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS. NOT RAFER. ANYTHING BUT RAFER.

Jameer Nelson: Too late, bro. Too late.


Rafer Alston: Yo D, yo whatup JaMz? Ima get ready to skip 2 mah loU up in Cindy Lou Who, nah mean? You broz in?

Dwight Howard: Kill me now.