The Hawk Speaks

Sapnin America? It's me, Hawkitus T. Spirit. You can call me Heezy.

The mainstream media is telling you that I disrupted last night's Hawks-Heat playoff game. It's true--I did. But that's not the whole story.

You see, they keep me in a cage. A horrible cage. Next to Mike Bibby. I can't stand him.

Last year, they kept me next to Salim Stoudamire.
He talked to me. He fed me. He told me his secrets.

But then Salim left. And I was depressed.

Until last night.

Last night, I spread my wings and soared into the night. I was free, not only in my heart, but in my mind. It was like Salim had come back into my life.

And then I saw him.
And it all came flooding back. I resigned myself to my fate.

SALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM. Come back to me.

Possible Screenplays for Rasual Butler

• Rasual travels back in time and must make his parents fall in love, thus ensuring that he is born. While in 1955, Rasual falls in love and has children. He realizes he is his own son.
• Rasual comes to possess an all-powerful ring. He is sent on a quest to destroy, but learns how to wield it. He becomes lord of the world. All shall love him and despair.
• Rasual investigates the Zodiac killer. He finds the culprit, and the handwriting matches.
• Rasual leads the Hornets in a daring casino robbery to win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes the casino owner.
• Rasual looks like the President of the United States, who has a stroke. Rasual becomes President. He amends the constitution and becomes President for life.
• Rasual is a Congressman who funds a covert war against the Soviets in Afghanistan. It all works out and he goes to live with his many women secretaries in Guatemala.
• Rasual is Iron Man.
  

Assorted Thoughts on Celtics-Bulls

• Why Glen Davis gets 40 minutes is beyond me. 18 points on 15 shots and only 3 rebounds. Compare this to Leon Powe, who netted 8 on 5 shots and 8 rebounds with only 2 fewer shots at the line. Davis is terrible on rotations, and even though he's lost weight, he still plays under the basket and is overwhelmed by both Brad Miller-types and Tyrus Thomas.
• I don't buy the whole "Leon is our bench scorer" bit, mostly because Davis has free reign to chuck up as many shots as he wants when he is on the court. Powe gets usage during one stretch every game, and then gets buried by Rivers. This is not Davis getting his due. This is not letting Powe recover from his injury. This is straight up Rivers, mismanaging the rotation.
• Rajon Rondo and Derrick Rose are awesome. I am so excited to watch the rest of the series.
• Speaking of Brad Miller, what's up, dude? The Bulls would have crushed the Celtics if his shot was on.
• Ray Allen's ankles need rest. His shot is flat, and he can't keep playing 39 minutes a game.
• Salmons' beard is teleology.
  

Demetri Martin Presents the NBA Playoffs

Hi. Welcome to Important Things with Demetri Martin and carbs.

I'm carbs.

Tonight's Important Thing is the NBA Playoffs.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1. Cleveland Cavaliers (66-16)
IMPORTANT THING: DESTINY
LeBron James is evolution. LeBron James is creation. LeBron James is science.

2. Boston Celtics (62-20)
IMPORTANT THING: SAFETY
Rajon Rondo is the keeper of keys and the arbiter of justice.

3. Orlando Magic (59-23)
IMPORTANT THING: GRAVITY
Dwight Howard is the sun and Rashard Lewis is the east.

4. Atlanta Hawks (47-35)
IMPORTANT THING: GAMES
Prepare to be outhustled, outjumped, and outran.

5. Miami Heat (43-39)
IMPORTANT THING: BACKPACKS
Chris Quinn is upset about this card.

6. Philadelphia 76ers (41-41)
IMPORTANT THING: CHAOS
Thaddeus Young and Andre Iguodala love to take the ball from you.

7. Chicago Bulls (41-41)
IMPORTANT THING: PUZZLES
Vinny Del Negro listens to Will Shortz on his iPod.

8. Detroit Pistons (39-43)
IMPORTANT THING: PROCRASTINATION
Rasheed Wallace and Jason Maxiell go to the buffet. Yeah, that buffet.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Los Angeles Lakers (65-17)
IMPORTANT THING: AWESOMENESS
Do you really want to play the Lakers?

2. Denver Nuggets (54-28)
IMPORTANT THING: COOLNESS
Dahntay Jones starts for this team. Seriously.

3. San Antonio Spurs (54-28)
IMPORTANT THING: ORDER
Tim Duncan studies geometry. Roger Mason Jr. studies courage.

4. Portland Trail Blazers
IMPORTANT THING: TIMING
Brandon Roy collects watches. He has many watches.

5. Houston Rockets (53-29)
IMPORTANT THING: COMPUTERS
Kyle Lowry is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

6. Dallas Mavericks (50-32)
IMPORTANT THING: RESOLVE
Mark Cuban likes stats. And strange stats. And stats that like Jason Kidd.

7. New Orleans Hornets (49-33)
IMPORTANT THING: PRECISION
Chris Paul is a samurai on roller skates. With radio transmitters.

8. Utah Jazz (48-34)
IMPORTANT THING: TRADITION
Jerry Sloan demands viewership.

Point Guards and Point Centers

In Shoals' indispensable Then & Now column this week, he mentioned this potential externality of the postseason:

A thought for the draft: While Williams's Jazz, who are absolutely inept on the road, shouldn't be doing much in the postseason, what happens if the Hornets go on a run, Billups takes the Nuggets deeper into the playoffs than they've been in years, or Derrick Rose puts his name back on the map by going down in a blaze of nationally-televised glory against Boston? Does the stock of the PG in general shoot up? Or if Bynum provides the Lakers with the ammunition they need to coast right past even the Cavs or Celtics, or Dwight Howard's Magic (admittedly Hedo-less for the time being) surprise us all and make the Finals, is there a run on big men? When the class is considered weak, "best available" gives way to a referendum on what kind of players matter.

I think he even underestimates the impact of a CP3 or Rose explosion. Any indication of point guard domination will completely reorient this draft. Looking at the latest DraftExpress 2009 mock, here are the point guards likely to get snatched in the first round:

• Ricky Rubio (2nd)
• Brandon Jennings (6th)
• Tyreke Evans (8th)
• Stephen Curry (10th)
• Ty Lawson (12th)
• Jonny Flynn (15th)
• Jeff Teague (19th)
• Eric Maynor (20th)
• Jrue Holiday (23rd)
  
• Darren Collison (28th)
  
• Nick Calathes (30th)

Patty Mills and A.J. Price follow early in the second round. This list does not count either James Harden or Willie Warren, although anyone who watched Harden this year (5.1 ast/40 pace-adjusted) knows how much he facilitated ASU's offense. Any change in point guard value will affect Harden and possibly Warren as well.

Beyond Blake Griffin, the stock of big men is relatively weak. Hasheem Thabeet is extremely limited offensively. Ed Davis and Greg Monroe are likely to return to school and need more experience. Cole Aldrich will probably follow the same course. B.J. Mullens is the definition of raw.

If Chicago pulls off an upset or Paul leads the Hornets to the Western Conference finals, what's to stop Jonny Flynn, Jeff Teague, or even Eric Maynor slipping into the lottery? What if Rajon Rondo, not Paul Pierce or KG, leads the Celtics past the Cavs? Given the right team, Ricky Rubio could unseat Griffin at the top of the draft or Jrue Holiday could skyrocket up the boards. This could even have lingering effects on the 2010 offseason. If point guards are really the way forward, how does this change the market for Chris Bosh?

The NBA playoffs are always a spectacle. This year may be a panacea.

TCD Exclusive: Sixers Change Lineup

PHILADELPHIA -- The Carbs Dribble has learned that the Philadelphia 76ers plan to revamp their starting lineup prior to the beginning of the playoffs. Most commentators believe that the Eastern Conference will be won the Cleveland Cavaliers, Boston Celtics, or Orlando Magic. Today, the Sixers will attempt to shatter that equilibrium. Interim coach Tony DiLeo will use this lineup in their first round playoff series.

PG: Handouts Guy Ed
Handouts Guy Ed, more affectionately known as Handouts, will be the primary ballhandler for this new lineup. He never loses the dribble, rarely turns the ball over, and is a master at running the break.

SG: Dad Hey Outguns
Outguns is the team's leading scorer and a deadly shooter. He can take you off the dribble, and if you leave him open, he won't miss.

SF: Daunted Hugs Yo
Daunted Hugs is a tenacious wing defender who can drive at will. He is a combination of Bruce Bowen's ferocity, Shane Battier's intellectualism (computers?), and Gerald Wallace.

PF: Eh Gaudy Donuts
Donuts is a power forward whose game most resembles Carlos Boozer. You know, the good parts. Just kidding. There are no good parts. Carlos probably wouldn't get the joke, either.

(Disclaimer: Previous section may or may not have been written by Matt Moore)

C: Daunt Ye Doughs
Daunt Ye Doughs is an unparalleled defensive force. He blocks every shot. He grabs every rebound. He gets out on every screen. He intimidates Dwight Howard.

I was able to sit down with Mr. Doughs at practice yesterday. I asked him a few questions about the new lineup.

TCD: How excited are you to be named to the starting lineup for the playoffs?
DYD: I am very excited. I've been doing my thing all year and Coach DiLeo finally recognized me.
TCD: What do you think your chances are in the postseason?
DYD: If we go out there and play our game, I think we can beat any team, man. Even the Bucks.
TCD: How do you feel about the other members of the new starting lineup?
DYD: They're great, man. Great. I feel like I've been playing with these guys for years. We're just so in sync. It's like they cloned me four times.
TCD: Thanks for joining me.
DYD: Yep.

This is a truly interesting development. This new lineup may propel the Sixers to the NBA finals.

Get pumped, Philadelphia!

Ramon Sessions For America

America is in trouble. We face a deepening economic crisis, two international wars, and the threat of having to watch golf on TV. To triumph over these problems, we need a new direction.
As, you know, America has a history of political Sessions:
Ramon Sessions shares this civic impulse, and is running for Congress. In Wisconsin. Watch out, Russ Feingold! Here is a closer look at Ramon's platform:
Ramon Sessions understands defense. He favors a strong military. He will fight for you.
Ramon Sessions knows that in this economic climate, people need assistance. He will extend benefits for all Americans.
Politics today is increasingly contentious. Ramon Sessions believes that we need to work together to help America. Here, Ramon is having a great discussion with his colleagues from Sacramento.
America needs support from our allies if we want to achieve desirable international outcomes. Ramon Sessions has always understood this. He is pictured here having productive negotiations with ambassadors from Canada and Australia.

Ramon Sessions believes in America. Ramon Sessions believes in you. Vote for Ramon Sessions in November!