Demetri Martin Presents the NBA Playoffs

Hi. Welcome to Important Things with Demetri Martin and carbs.

I'm carbs.

Tonight's Important Thing is the NBA Playoffs.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1. Cleveland Cavaliers (66-16)
IMPORTANT THING: DESTINY
LeBron James is evolution. LeBron James is creation. LeBron James is science.

2. Boston Celtics (62-20)
IMPORTANT THING: SAFETY
Rajon Rondo is the keeper of keys and the arbiter of justice.

3. Orlando Magic (59-23)
IMPORTANT THING: GRAVITY
Dwight Howard is the sun and Rashard Lewis is the east.

4. Atlanta Hawks (47-35)
IMPORTANT THING: GAMES
Prepare to be outhustled, outjumped, and outran.

5. Miami Heat (43-39)
IMPORTANT THING: BACKPACKS
Chris Quinn is upset about this card.

6. Philadelphia 76ers (41-41)
IMPORTANT THING: CHAOS
Thaddeus Young and Andre Iguodala love to take the ball from you.

7. Chicago Bulls (41-41)
IMPORTANT THING: PUZZLES
Vinny Del Negro listens to Will Shortz on his iPod.

8. Detroit Pistons (39-43)
IMPORTANT THING: PROCRASTINATION
Rasheed Wallace and Jason Maxiell go to the buffet. Yeah, that buffet.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Los Angeles Lakers (65-17)
IMPORTANT THING: AWESOMENESS
Do you really want to play the Lakers?

2. Denver Nuggets (54-28)
IMPORTANT THING: COOLNESS
Dahntay Jones starts for this team. Seriously.

3. San Antonio Spurs (54-28)
IMPORTANT THING: ORDER
Tim Duncan studies geometry. Roger Mason Jr. studies courage.

4. Portland Trail Blazers
IMPORTANT THING: TIMING
Brandon Roy collects watches. He has many watches.

5. Houston Rockets (53-29)
IMPORTANT THING: COMPUTERS
Kyle Lowry is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

6. Dallas Mavericks (50-32)
IMPORTANT THING: RESOLVE
Mark Cuban likes stats. And strange stats. And stats that like Jason Kidd.

7. New Orleans Hornets (49-33)
IMPORTANT THING: PRECISION
Chris Paul is a samurai on roller skates. With radio transmitters.

8. Utah Jazz (48-34)
IMPORTANT THING: TRADITION
Jerry Sloan demands viewership.