Meet Your Takers

Blake Griffin: The Clippers? THE CLIPPERS? You have got to be freaking kidding me! I mean, at least the Grizzlies have O.J. Mayo. I'm doomed.

[Phone rings]

Who could that be?

Hello?


Zach Randolph: Hello? Is this Blake Griffin?

Blake Griffin: Yes, this is he.

Zach Randolph: Hey Blake, it's me, Zachary Randolph. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were feeling. Big night for you, sir.

Blake Griffin: Yeah, I guess. Can you tell me a bit about the Clippers?

Zach Randolph: Oh, Blake. The Clippers are quite splendid. You are going to love it here.

Blake Griffin: Really? I, uh, wasn't expecting you to say that.

Zach Randolph: Nah, we just have a bad reputation. It's great. Really great.

Blake Griffin: How are the other guys on the team?

Zach Randolph: They're awesome. Chris Kaman is my bud. He's hilarious. And this one time, me and Baron stayed up until 10 PM playing Mario. 10 PM! And Marcus Camby is always doing jumping jacks. Oh, and Eric Gordon. He's a peach.

Blake Griffin: And Coach Dunleavy?

Zach Randolph: Coach Dunleavy is the best person I've ever known. He's kind, snuggly, and the best tactician this side of Napoleon.

Blake Griffin: Wow, that sounds great. I'm excited. I can't wait to meet you guys.

Zach Randolph: And we can't wait to meet you.

Blake Griffin: Thanks, Zach. Take care.

Zach Randolph: Take care, bud.

[Hangs up the phone]

Blake Griffin: Wow, I was not expecting the conversation to go like that. Maybe it's not so bad after all.

Somewhere in California...

Mike Dunleavy: *releases Randolph from chokehold* Good job, Zach.

Zach Randolph: YO COACH WHAT WAS THAT YOU CANT TREAT ME LIKE THAT IM YO FRANCHISE IM YO FRANCHISE THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP WEAK IM GULLY IM A GROWN MAN YOU CANT TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

Mike Dunleavy: *elbows Randolph in the chest* Shut up, punk.

Totally Awesome NBA Draft Lottery Preview!

It's time for the NBA Draft Lottery again, folks. That means hope for some and heartbreak for others. And there is glory for the strong.

But you might not know what to expect. It is a confusing night. Well, I will tell you what to think. Here is a rundown of the highs and lows of this epic event.

TEAM THAT I WANT TO GET THE FIRST PICK: Sacramento Kings
This is for you, Ziller. Also, presuming that Shock & Hawes are firmly entrenched already, it is unlikely that Blake Griffin is selected by the Kings. Ricky Rubio must come to Sacramento. He seems like the perfect complement to Kevin Martin in the backcourt, and his playmaking will set up Thompson and Hawes with easy shots. Plus, no one wants to see Beno Udrih start. Unless you are Beno Udrih.

ANOTHER TEAM THAT WOULD BE COOL WITH ME IF THEY GOT THE FIRST PICK: Oklahoma City Thunder
Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Russell Westbrook, Blake Griffin. Dominance. I wish Patrick Patterson was still in the draft. He would be perfect for OKC.

TEAM THAT SHOULD NOT GET THE FIRST PICK: Los Angeles Clippers
Sorry, Arnovitz and ClipperSteve. I can't. I just can't.

TEAM WITH A COOL LOTTERY REPRESENTATIVE: Charlotte Bobcats
D.J. Augustin is representing the Bobcats. He had a great rookie season, considering the draft pick was canned with Brook Lopez still on the board. Dude offered a 14.95 PER this season. Larry Brown used him effectively, and I like that he is getting the credit he deserves.

TEAM WITH AN UNCOOL REPRESENTATIVE: Minnesota Timberwolves
I have already expressed my distaste for Kevin Love. Why not send Al Jefferson? He's the franchise player, he's actually good, and he isn't just a gimmick who can rebound. Maybe they want him to throw outlet passes with the ping pong balls. Or send Craig Smith. Why? Because Craig Smith is awesome, that's why.

TEAM THAT I AM AMBIVALENT ABOUT: Milwaukee Bucks
I've been to Milwaukee. It's nice. Quiet, but nice. I wish them no harm.

PRELIMINARY DRAFT ANALYSIS

PLAYER THAT I LIKE AROUND THE FIFTH PICK: James Harden
Harden probably won't be a star, but he is a great shooter and facilitator. He propelled the Arizona State offense as a shooting guard, and would be a solid option next to a non-traditional point guard because of his excellent passing. He would be a great fit in OKC, provided they do not grab a top pick.

PLAYER THAT I LOVE AT THE END OF THE LOTTERY: Jeff Teague
Jeff Teague is the future. He can create his own shot and is terrific off the dribble. He is super athletic. He has a scorer's mentality. He can learn to be a point guard. This is a guy you want on your team. Phoenix, pray that he falls to you.

PLAYER I DO NOT LIKE: Hasheem Thabeet
I think he will be a terrific defender, but I am concerned about his offensive development. If he continues to progress at his current rate, then I will be wrong. That said, I do not want to be the team with the third pick.

PLAYER I WANT TO GO TO THE RAPTORS: Demar DeRozan
The Raptors would be great with an athletic wing player. Demar DeRozan needs time to develop, but his play in the NCAA Tournament was very encouraging. Playing with Jose Calderon, a hyper-controlled point guard, could give DeRozan significant usage next season. He would be a great piece paired with Chris Bosh over the long-term.

PLAYER I WANT TO GO TO THE WIZARDS: Tyreke Evans
Tyreke Evans and Gilbert Arenas. Need I say more?

I hope this was enlightening. I have a gift for completely arbitrary draft analysis.

(H/T DraftExpress for everything. If you aren't reading them, start now. Also, FanHouse for the image)

Renaming Glen Davis

It has to stop. It has to stop now. Glen Davis can no longer be called Big Baby.

I don't care how it started. I don't care if his mother calls him that. I don't care if he likes it. I don't care.

But I do care about changing it.

The nickname is a media menace. I don't know if you read, but I do. I read many newspapers and weblogs and Twitters. And much like some Orlando Magic fans, I find myself maddened by the constant cliches and jokes. Big Baby fosters horrible journalism. Seriously, this stuff is worse than Plaschke, although there are many people who are actually doing good things with it. As for the bad, I do not have a specific example, but I will write one that I am sure has appeared in many, many places. Are you ready?

Last night, Glen Davis was no longer a Big Baby. Last night, Glen Davis became a man.

BOOM! See what I did there? Totally unexpected.

It doesn't even describe him. Whatever he has become in these playoffs--and yes, he has changed--he is no longer Big Baby. He is a 17 foot jump shot. Who pushes kids.

I am not clever enough to create an appropriate nickname. That's why I leave it up to you, internets. Make a new nickname to save us from this scourge. Please take up this mantle. I can't do it alone.

Craig Sager Wreaks Havoc

Craig Sager: Rejected. Constantly made fun of by players and fans. All because of my clothes. I like my clothes.

My mother and teachers always told me to express myself, but I have trouble verbally organizing my thoughts. Sure, I can ask Rick Adelman a few banal questions. But can I tell my wife the myriad reasons I enjoy key lime pie? No. I tried to do it through the written word, but I always end up sounding like a bastardized Rousseau. I tried doing it through song. I tried doing through art. I even tried doing it through dance. Bad idea.

But then I found my one true purpose. The only way to channel my emotions: fashion.

My suits are the window to my soul. They help me cope with the world and the difficult things that happen every day. But other people don't understand. They ridicule me.

And Kevin Garnett. Oooooooooooh, don't get me started on Kevin Garnett!



Well, I'm tired of it.

Since I cannot express my thoughts through conventional means, I have spent my hours in silence trying to develop superpowers. And I have. Oh, I have.

Mind control.

And I will now deploy it. SPEAK!

Aaron Brooks: I thought we played a great game. It was tough without Yao, but we did it.

Craig Sager: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE WORLD IS MINE!

(H/T Skeets for the Brooks image)

Dwight Howard Realizes the Truth

Saturday night, after the Boston Celtics have just defeated the Chicago Bulls

Dwight Howard: I have to fight with Perkins for 7 games? Crap. At least they have no shot at beating us this season. I mean, we have you, Jameer.

Jameer Nelson: Bro, I'm injured.

Dwight Howard: What? When did this happen?

Jameer Nelson: Like four months ago. I fell on my shoulder.

Dwight Howard: Dude, I thought you just got lost after we went camping at Gortat's llama ranch.

Jameer Nelson: No, that was Anthony Johnson.

Dwight Howard: Well, that's not a problem. We still have Kyle Lowry to man the point.

Jameer Nelson: No, Houston got Kyle Lowry. We traded a first-round pick for Rafer Alston.

Dwight Howard: NO. NO WE DID NOT.

Jameer Nelson: You've been playing with him for three months. What did you think was happening?

Dwight Howard: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS. NOT RAFER. ANYTHING BUT RAFER.

Jameer Nelson: Too late, bro. Too late.


Rafer Alston: Yo D, yo whatup JaMz? Ima get ready to skip 2 mah loU up in Cindy Lou Who, nah mean? You broz in?

Dwight Howard: Kill me now.

James Posey Loves You

It's time to prepare for the end of the Hornets. Whether the whole concept is dead, the myth of Chris Paul is over, or we just accept that they aren't very good, we need to be realistic.

For some members of the team, the offseason will be a time to reboot. Chris Paul is the best point guard in a league that is becoming increasingly dependent on the position. David West and Tyson Chandler, when healthy, are stars caught in CP3's gravitational field. Without Paul on the court, the team is either lost or completely transparent. It was that environment that allowed Jannero Pargo, through all his faults, to administer his own brand of justice.

For others, it is a just a pause. Rasual Butler time travels, Peja has no meaning, and Hilton Armstrong ceases to exist. The true outcast is James Posey.

Posey means different things to different people but still retains his identity. James is James. He is championship glue, ardent defender, three point assassin. He is none of those things.

Statistically, Posey has been remarkably consistent during his career (Thanks, basketball-reference):

Clearly, James is in the decline phase of his career, and he still offers capable defense of slower 3s and smaller 4s, efficient three-point shooting, and hugs for teammates. He was a key player in getting the Celtics the championship last year. Surprisingly. He was excellent in the clutch, scoring 14.8 points (adjusted by 82games) with a 0.500 eFG%.

Compare that to this season, where Posey's on-court presence is negligible but his clutch scoring and efficiency are up. I'm not going to go over the problems with his contract, seeing as KD already wrote that killer piece this week. However, even if Tyson Chandler fully recovers, I doubt Posey can play the same role he did with Boston.

Shoals (I think) said last year how funny it was that the Celtics were so dependent on Posey threes to win games. It's true, and Posey was a perfect fit for Boston at the end of games. Not only did he fit defensively, adding both versatility and toughness when Kendrick Perkins was off the floor, but he spaced the floor. This allowed more freedom for the rest of the lineup, who for better or worse, all had some ability to create their own shot (yes, I am including KG and Rondo).

On the Hornets, Posey is somewhat more limited because he is a catch-and-shoot threat only. Chris Paul dominates the ball in the clutch and scores 45.1 points/48. This inevitably leads to some assists for James, which explains the jump in his efficiency and clutch scoring. However, the scoring potential of this lineup is inherently limited, as Posey is often inserted into the game along with Butler, Peja, or Chandler in addition to CP3 and David West. With two (arguably) players able to truly create, this team just has a hard time scoring.

While Posey has a reputation for championship-building, he can't overcome these structural shortcomings. Unless the Hornets manage to procure cheap scorers and more depth (think Von Wafer), he's stuck.

On Bill Walker and Intangibles

This is not meant to be a screed, but I think there are some things that need to be said. I respect Doc Rivers, and what he did to get the Celtics the championship last season. I respect that he somehow learned to manage the rotation and unite the team around the cosmic Thibodeau/KG defense. I don’t think that we need to rehash his problems before the KG trade, and I don’t think that anyone needs to question every decision he makes. This critique is more related to the fallout of his coaching than the actual rationale behind it.

As you may or may not have noticed from my posts and my frequent commenting around the internets, I like Bill Walker. I really like Bill Walker. I understand that he is a rookie, that I need to be realistic, and that I need to temper my expectations. That said, it is hard to stomach the ubiquitous criticism that he is a punk and that he somehow deserves our scorn for not respecting elders. And it’s hard to stomach when Brian Scalabrine gets playing time over him.

But this isn’t about Scalabrine. And this isn’t about Walker’s playing time. I know why Walker doesn’t play. We all do. It’s because Rivers does not trust rookies, or at least certain rookies. And he certainly does not trust Walker—not enough to get crunch time minutes, and not enough to get (many) postseason minutes. The one young player he does trust, beyond comprehension, is Glen Davis. For some reason, Davis has never been on Rivers’ bad side. Before trades sent Sebastian Telfair and Delonte West out of Boston, Rivers would yank point guards and rookies out as soon as they made a mistake. When depth threatened that strategy, he relented, and Rondo’s development was keyed by that confidence, even if it was forced.

That isn’t the case with Davis. From the instant he was drafted, Rivers has had confidence in him. In 07-08, Davis played 13.6 minutes per game over 69 games, including 10 games in November. He was given 15.5 minutes per game in December. Compare this to Leon Powe, who played in 56 games and didn’t start receiving meaningful minutes until late January. All he did was put up a 21.04 PER over the season. Davis offered a PER of 11.40 in 07 and was terrible for most of this season, but that’s besides that point.

The problems with Scalabrine are well-documented, and if you’re reading this blog, I don’t need to spell them out for you. However, fans respond to this criticism with cries about his intangibles, and how he is an indispensable part of the locker room.

Brian Scalabrine is probably a cool guy. I’m sure I’d get along with him. I’d buy him drinks if I met him in a bar. But why is he a great teammate when Bill Walker gets derided? Everything that I’ve seen from Walker indicates that he is a dude who would do anything to win. He isn’t scared of anyone, and he aims to destroy with his athleticism, even if his knees can’t handle it. That is someone who I want on my team. That is someone I want playing as much as possible.

I know that Bill Walker probably won’t ever get the playing time that I think he merits. After all, it is Bill Walker. Even so, the primacy of Scalabrine’s intangibles is not an adequate reason for justifying his playing time and denying Walker’s. It’s lazy journalism and lazy fandom. And we all deserve better.